Do you want me to listen or give you advice? How to actually actively listen!

Listening and actually actively listening are two completely different things. The art of active listening is an invaluable skill that can support relationships, and help your career as it fosters understanding between individuals.

Did you actually understand what your client told you she needed? Did you really write down the right task your manager asked you for in the meeting? Are you sure you are clear about what it is your partner is upset about?

“We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces of change that I know” — Carl Rogers

At its core, active listening is the act of giving one’s full attention to another person during a conversation. It involves not only hearing the words spoken but also understanding the emotions, intentions, and unspoken messages conveyed. So how do you listen actively?

I wish to start by sharing what NOT to do. If you find yourself in a conversation thinking about how to reply, finding hooks of how to “win” the conversation, you are NOT actively listening. If you are only asking yes and no questions, interrupting, and only focusing on the information that benefits you, you are NOT actively listening.

Here’s how to cultivate active listening skills:

• Give your full attention and remove distractions such as phones, TV, etc. Focus on the speaker keeping your body language open and face your body towards the speaker.
• Maintain eye contact as this signals that you are engaged and attentive to the speaker and what she has to say.
• Show empathy by acknowledging the speaker’s feelings and emotions. This does not mean that you share a story of a similar situation that happened to you, or that you say that you have been in the exact same situation. Keep the attention on the speaker and acknowledge their feelings with just an “mmm”, or by saying “I can see/feel/hear how much this impacts you” for example.
• Be curious! Ask open-ended questions to encourage the speaker to elaborate and share more or go deeper into the topic. If you are not sure you understand or are curious to know more, ask! Questions like “Tell me more”, or “What makes you feel this way?” can open up for further information.
• Avoid interrupting, leaving silence and time for reflection is a good thing! Let the speaker finish before you start sharing.
• Paraphrasing and reflecting back is the secret sauce! By repeating back a summarised version of what you’ve heard you are ensuring that you understand what the speaker is trying to convey. And if you misunderstood- the speaker will at this point share this with you and clarify what she meant. Most of the time, you will get the speaker to share more and go deeper by just paraphrasing without adding a question or steering the conversation.

Needless to say, active listening can help in a lot of ways to validate feelings, build trust and rapport, reduce misunderstandings, and be a great tool for conflict resolution. Active listening is more than a social courtesy; it’s a transformative way to mend relationships and promote understanding among people from all walks of life. As we actively listen to others, we open our hearts and minds to a world of possibility, one conversation at a time.

“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” — David W Augsburger